The Courtship of Cows

I have discovered the source of my tendency to over pack. My mother put together a little care package of things I left behind and things she "thought I would need on the farm." I was just expecting my new John Dear designer glasses with the automatic sunglass UV changing technology and my blankies. But apparently things my Mom thought I would need on the farm included a pair of white terri-cloth draw string shorts and Ralph lauren and French Connection Polo's. You know for all the cabana parties we have. Clearly I was nurtured into this condition.   

I've also discovered more clearly that there is never a dull moment on the farm, especially in spring. It seems love is in the barnyard air; Or at least the scent of ovulating cows is. 

On the farm the cows are split into two groups: the milking herd and the dry herd. I was unaware of this until I arrived here, but cows only produce milk when they have recently had a calf. Makes sense when you think about it. They are fellow mammals and it's not like my mom is still pumping it out. But with this in mind it means that in order to run a productive dairy operation we have to also make sure the cows are running their own reproductive operation. This means that even in the milking herds the ladies are kept in the company of perspective baby Daddys so when the time is right they can hop right back on the preggers band waggon. 

The two bulls currently residing with the milkers go by the names Bongo (the alpha-male) and Ozzy (the beta-male). The best way to describe them is to imagine "Jaws" but with legs and horns. They are about a half ton in weight and take pride in always being in the way. But in all honesty these boys are experienced connoisseurs of the female pheromones. They stroll around all day doing what the farmer refers to as the sommelier's whiff. This is the way the bulls detect the readiness of the ladies to mount, by smelling and, more disturbingly, tasting their, how do I put this nicely... "fluid excrement" (That's Pee). Apparently they love the stuff. It's like bull viagra, and I must say the bulls take the whole process very seriously. 

When sampling, they make their way over to whichever lady is in progress, and since the progress last about two and a half minutes they generally don't have to rush. Once in place the first step is to raise the nasal cavity and take a long and exuberant whiff followed by a delicate taste, it kinda looks like their lapping up water from a garden hose. The next step is the most entertaining and totally worth watching a bull drink cow piss for. The bulls then extend their necks and roll back their lips to make a face that resembles a surprised Mr. Ed and while chattering their teeth exhale in an expression that is a mix between "Jolly fine chardonnay" and "FUUUUUUCCCCKKKK YEAHHHHHH" Based off this examinations they determine if the lady is ready to go steady and worthy of the 5 seconds of pure back breaking ecstasy the bulls have to offer. Unfortunately for the girls the exam is the only kinda foreplay they get. 

Although, apparently the boys aren't the only ones who enjoy the heat of "Heat." When a cow is in her ovular prime she's fair game for all. There have been accounts of girl on girl action in the barnyard. And we're still not really sure why, but in early May there were some labia biting incidents. (Side note: I forgot exactly what those were, and take my word for it that is something you don't want to google). We're assuming the genital biting was some form of sabotage between the cows. Sorta like "eww who wants her nasty junk." Regardless of cause thankfully it stopped. 

In other news, todays was beautiful. We started early and all the cows were incredibly cooperative. I really hope it doesn't convince the others to start early now every day. Though getting done with work by three was rather nice. With all the free time I got to make one on my favorite and most self expressive desserts. A Fruit Tart! I used wild foraged berries and made fresh pastry cream and tart dough. It was described as "perfect." I really hope it doesn't convince the others to start early now every day.