If dealing with hormonal cows is anything like dealing with women I am so thankful for whatever genetic blend popped me out of the oven gayer thank a Christmas cookie. It’s like the “Bad Girl’s Club” in this milk barn. They fight, spit, and I swear they actually plot against each other. And I’m in the middle playing peer mediator and matador while dodging horns and doing the dairy dive between their legs. Yesterday I was centimeters away from a hoof to the head.
In an act of desperation and shear genius I developed some techniques to ease the tension of their turf. My inspiration is to turn the milk barn into a cow beauty parlor. The ladies come in, go to their stantions, and I get to work on them pampering and plunging. So far I’m the only one gossiping. But I have seen a definite increase in yield, I would like to assume as result of my special touches.
I learned the art of udder massage when working on one of our larger ladies. Betty is a lovely and very cooperative cow. She never fusses about where she stands or how long it takes to finish her up and her larger disposition generally keeps the other cows a bit less rambunctious around her. Betty recently came down with a bit of an issue in her right udders. Her new calf was separated from her and we think she got a bit backed up. She started swelling and blew up to the size of a watermelon down there. We treated her with some antibiotics (something we only do as a last resort) and have been bucket milking her and feeding it to the pigs. But the swelling, other than I’m sure hurting like a bitch, (imagine big swollen stinging nipples that a calf keeps biting on) the swelling left the skin on her udders itchy flakey and red. They felt like unripe cantaloupe and she understandably was having a hard time letting down her milk.
A few days ago I decided Betty deserved a little lube job down there. Now I have absolutely no experience with the rubbing of mammary glands, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say it’s one of those things that even when it’s bad it’s probably still kinda good. We keep a gallon bottle of mineral oil in the barn incase any of the cows get chapped udders (a thought that even makes me cringe). So I grabbed the jug lubed up my hands and went to town. I started out tenderly just wanting to moisturize her and then I figured I’d improvise. I worked my way from shiatsu to deep tissue without a single melancholy moo.
By the time I was done her teats were tender as a sun ripe peach and I was half expecting her to milk out like a ready whip can. She let down about three liters of milk, one third more than the day before.
I have since used the technique on most of our leathery ladies and I feel it really has improved both their skin tone and confidence. Some of our heifers have seen quite their share of milking and are in desperate need of some form of cow support bra. They sag so low we have to hold their udders up to get the milk to work it’s way down. I try to compensate for the extra man handling with belly scratches.
Hoof manicures are a new addition to my daily duty as well. I only offer these when necessary. Cows have two big toes that make up their hooves and a lot of crap (literally and figuratively) gets stuck up there. Mostly I just find twine, twigs and rocks, but sometimes these girls come in with near full bouquets or wild flowers and flowering grasses. Cleaning them reminds me of that story of the lion with the thorn in its paw and the mouse. They put up a lot of fuss and then will pretty much just let you milk in peace once treated.
Next week is going to be follicle frenzy! I came across what turns out is a cow comb. It needs a bit of polishing and “de-cob webbing “ but I can’t wait to get to work with it. I don’t have a lot of hair to work with but I know once the bulls see my runway ready couture cows we are gonna need a much bigger milk barn.
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